Some 24 years ago I fell in love with this handsome, caring, romantic and fun loving person.He was one of our college heart-throbs.It was a fairy tale romance.Life was so beautiful ,it just couldn’t get any better.
After dating for 6 years we got married.We were young and naive ,no lofty goals for the future ,just happy to be together.We started our married life in US — the land of opportunity with new friends.My husband at that time consciously wanted to stay away from the social pressures of relatives and close proximity to parents. Now when I think about it, he didn’t want to deal with relationships .Even though he was dearly loved and respected by his family as well as my side of family.He was the adorable kinds .
Fast forward 10 years,he has good job,we have a beautiful house in California, 3 lovely kids,no dog (my kids still want one) and a great social life .We were the quintessential perfect couple that had everything going for them, and honestly many folks were jealous ,as they told us later on.
The picture was beautiful but behind the scenes,not so much.We were evolving,our core values were showing up to be a bit different ,our separate identities were shaping up.He was a very calm and adjusting person with a great sense of humor .We liked to do different things. He was more of a party guy who liked to entertain ,dance,go shopping -yess,eat out,go to wineries etc .He was happy to be anywhere but home.Don’t get me wrong he was a family man ,and a great dad. I was more of a nature loving outdoorsy person, the one who would like a short hike ,a picnic by the stream or a walk in the park.But we hardly did any of that stuff.
My life revolved around what he liked and I also learnt to enjoy those things .We had stopped hanging out with my friends who didn’t fit his idea of fun people, and I was ok with it.It was all good till I started feeling empty inside.I believed in charity and volunteer work.I felt he was a shallow person ,running away from realities of life by engaging in distractions like partying etc .He would never engage in a meaningful conversation .We were intellectually different.
Even though he would shower me with gifts and flowers on important occasions and throw a big party , it only gave me temporary joy.It was his idea of celebration, not mine.He did not know what made me happy .In his head probably he felt he was doing a great job as a husband. But I was becoming increasingly unhappy on the inside.
I was running on an empty emotional tank .When I vocalized it to him ,he didn’t seem to get it.I felt a disconnect and a lack of communication ,my suggestion to see a marriage counsellor was dismissed .
What do you expect from a man who cared more for other women than his own wife. I never got any reassurance for my insecurities. And I wasn’t allowed to engage much with other men at the parties ,not that I had any interest.I was already married to the best guy .
But he was such a people-pleaser ,he wouldn’t mind inconveniencing his own family to earn some brownie points with others.And he never seemed to care how we felt about it.That was his value system passed on from his family.In 16 years of marriage ,he apologized to me just once 🙄.
I barely had any friends outside the families we hung out with regularly.I was so lonely in my marriage .There was no juice left, just a mechanical life.I had resigned to my fate.
Not being understood made me even more restless inside.I started nagging and snapping more.He would feel frustrated and ignore me even more.He dismissed me as a negative person and would make comments like how-come people at your work like you so much. Yes,I was a vibrant and well-liked person at work, usually tagged as the stress buster of the team.In my defense, at home,I gave what I got.It was a viscous circle .There was too much toxicity.
The disconnect grew.I wonder if he ever understood my needs.All I wanted was some companionship,being heard, and being respected for who I am and what I wanted.I felt like an expensive housekeeper and a trophy wife who was well taken care of materialistically .I did not have a role-model to turn to.
He had given up on our marriage long before I actually saw it going south.And the events that led to the ultimate demise of my marriage is a sad ,juicy story for another day..
So,pay attention to the said and unsaid needs of your partner.You may or may not be able to fulfill them always, however acknowledgement is enough sometimes!
Pay attention to what should matter!! The happiness of the most important person in your life.Giving up is easy ,sustaining is difficult.Choose wisely!
